Why are you participating in Unconventional Apology Project?
“If what I say here helps somebody else, there’s really nothing better than that.“
When you just said, “You’re doing this for yourself, everybody’s basically here for themselves.” The first thing that would pop into my head is “I’m being selfish,” and almost felt selfish because I was like “I really wanna do that!” I wanna get my story out because I wanna feel better and have a certain amount of closure. There were things that were obvious closure, but to get everything off my chest…and if it can go to something that could possibly help somebody else then to me that was the best excuse to do it. I wasn’t doing it before at all. I wasn’t talking about it. Slowly, bit-by-bit, I would tell my best friend or my boyfriend now, things that would happen, but I don’t think I’ve ever truly opened up about everything. This would be the platform. This is the excuse. Because it’s for somebody else, but at the same time it’s really for my own benefit. Hell, if what I say here helps somebody else, there’s really nothing better than that.
Have you ever had the opportunity to discuss the story you are sharing with us today? What makes now the right time?
“I have purged so much toxin in my body that I didn’t even realize how messed up things were and what I was allowing to happen to me until I got all that poison out of me.”
I was with this guy for 8-9 years. There has been bits and pieces that I’ve been able to talk about to those that are super close to me, but I don’t think I’ve ever fully sat down and just told the story, or my side of things because I’m sure he probably has his own idea of whatever. Just little things here and there, but I was just too embarrassed.
I just turned 30 and I’m trying to let go of anything that is not benefitting me in a spiritual, positive, I-just-wanna-be-happy sort of way. And I realized that through this past year that my ex and I have been apart, that I have purged so much toxin in my body that I didn’t even realize how messed up things were and what I was allowing to happen to me until I got all that poison out of me. I mean I’m still working on a lot of stuff obviously, but I think that now that I have truly just let go and almost not forgiven him, but I don’t have any fear of him anymore now. I think now is the time to talk about it, get it out, be done with it once and for all and kind of go in my 30s without that. He took my entire 20s and I don’t want to go in my 30s with him having any power over my life.
What domestic abuse experience do you want to share?
“Being in a situation where I was literally an emotional punching bag, that I became violent and it was like a normal, ‘ok’ occurrence. That was probably the worst thing ever out of the whole stretch of the 9 years…that I allowed myself to get violent too.”
I want to say that what I experienced was more so than anything, verbal and emotional abuse. I think that I was the one who, in many occasions, turned violent myself because of being attacked with words and manipulation and just overall cruel behavior towards me, that I allowed myself to even attack him at times throughout the 9 years, which became something in my mind that was ok to ever do and was normal. The moment now looking back on that that somebody could bring me to that point, number 1, and number 2, really call me out on it. Like, I would’ve left my ass go if I went for it the way that I did against him. The fact that he didn’t even care…it just became so normal to us that I think it’s almost like a reverse sense of abuse. I really can’t put it in any other way. Being in a situation where I was literally an emotional punching bag, that I became violent and it was like a normal, “ok” occurrence. That was probably the worst thing ever out of the whole stretch of the 9 years…that I allowed myself to get violent too. Which is insane to me because I’m not a violent person and I don’t ever want to raise my hand against somebody.
“I remember my mom telling me, ‘Don’t make him your world! Don’t make him your world!’ You know? I now understand what she meant by that [tears, shakes head]. That’s what I did.”
But at the beginning, I was 20 years old. He would come into the restaurant that I waitressed at. We got to know each other just through talking. He would come in right before it closed and he would talk to me and he told me he was 27, he literally lived right around the corner from me in Long Beach, so I was like cool. And I was like, “Do you smoke weed?” [laughs] and he was like “Yeah!” and I was like “Great!” And I had just moved to California. Everything was new to me. My mom was sick with cancer. I was living with my best friend. We were young and out there on our own. And here’s this guy…he’s cool, he’s whatever, he’s right up the street. I bring my best friend and a very, very close friend of mine with me to his house one night after we kind of exchanged numbers at the restaurant and he was chill. We smoked and that whole week after that, we hung out. So it was like, no time…it was probably the quickest I’ve ever slept with a guy. I slept with him after a week. I was just getting over a break up 8 months prior to that of somebody that I was really in love with at a very young age, so one of my first heart breaks you know? I was pretty much inseparable from him. And I remember my mom telling me, “Don’t make him your world! Don’t make him your world!” You know? I now understand what she meant by that [tears, shakes head]. That’s what I did. Even my best friend was like, “Make him miss you! Don’t sleep with him.” You know? But I was just craving that love or that comfort that I received from him, because he was really cool at first…he was really chill and let me be me. I didn’t have to be better, I didn’t have to be anything, I could just be me and that’s just what it was.
The first red flag was I found out he was really…I just looked at a ticket that he had where you could see his driver’s license information and it said that he was in fact 31 [laughs]. Not 27. Ok, so you’re embarrassed about your age because you know I’m young? But I remember confronting him and just letting it slide. He was like, “Yeah I didn’t think you’d talk to me if I really said how old I was. I think you’re so mature.” So I was like, “Ok, that’s fine.” And then we started hanging out A LOT. It was very obvious that there was some sort of commitment, even though I’m sure he just did whatever he was gonna do behind my back. But I found out that he had a child [laughs] because I found a picture in his drawer. So he had a son that he did not tell me about who had cerebral palsy.
I pretty much grew up without a father. My dad is great, but he was always travelling to Europe. He lives in Europe, but I’m sure definitely one of the reasons I enjoyed being around my exes was getting that fulfillment. I was never the slutty girl without a dad, I was always like the “I wanted to be a boy” type and then I just wanted to have male companionship.
The first thing that he did that was kind of aggressive and crazy is that I had a cigarette that had broke apart in my purse and I was in the shower and I hear screaming from the bedroom. Like, “What the fuck!” blah blah blah, like going off. And apparently he had picked up my purse and a little bit of the tobacco fell out on his bed. Which isn’t great. But the anger [makes hands tense and shakes them]…I wasn’t used to that. I had never experienced that before. I ‘m not a chick who puts up with a lot of shit. But for some reason it scared me. It made me feel bad I guess, like for some reason I had a dirty bag. And he was like, “What the fuck. What kind of person keeps tobacco?” But I just didn’t know and it became this big thing. So I thought well that’s not crazy, I can get past that. Now thinking about it, I should’ve been like, “Fuck you”, you know? But I was young and in love.
There would always be screaming about washrags not being rinsed out enough, but just little trivial things that I never learned from my mother because she passed. She was sick when I was kind of supposed to be learning these kinds of things. She did everything for me before that. So, I was spoiled in that nature, you know? So there was a lot that I never learned from my mom, you know? My dad was off, so I couldn’t learn it from him. But, it was communication with me that was always like [snaps] right away and I would just deal with it or yell back, you know? Let myself yell back. I remember things got progressively worse when I found out that he cheated on me. And I found out through MySpace of all things. He went out of town with his friends and then he was going out of town again and something in my spirit, in my gut was like “something isn’t right.” I remember when he got back into town I saw him and we hung out for a little bit. I always had this thing where I would drive home during the first few years that we dated. I didn’t even wanna sleep there. I remember going home at like 3 in the morning and seeing picture on Myspace with him and his supposed-to-be ex in Mexico. Ok…HUGE “what are you doing?!” Of course it took two weeks: “I love you, I realize that now. She was my ex and it was difficult.” Blah blah blah. “I was thinking of you the whole time.” Of course I go back to him.
“So my mom is getting very sick. 3 months to live. I go to Portland, Oregon to be by her side for 3 months. He came out there and he met her. And I think that that was something that kept me with him for so long. That he was the last man who was ever gonna meet my mom.”
So my mom is getting very sick. 3 months to live. I go to Portland, Oregon to be by her side for 3 months. He came out there and he met her. And I think that that was something that kept me with him for so long. That he was the last man who was ever gonna meet my mom. So that was incredibly powerful. He was involved in the mortgage business and when that all tanked, he had nothing. And I let him borrow a lot of money. And after that is when shit started with the verbal abuse. He would tell me things like, “You’re ugly, you’re skinny, you have no sex appeal, your music is awful”…which is probably the worst thing you could say to somebody. He would just play the craziest psychological mind games and then cheat on me to the point where his own best friend came and told me, “He cheats on you all the time.” Like he couldn’t stand to watch it or deal with it anymore. So I, of course, go back to him again, and that’s when things got physical.
“…he would say things to me that would make me wanna push him [does pushing motion]. I became violent. I became HIM. I literally became who he was.”
In the last 3-4 years of our relationship it was on and off arguing. He would attack me over the craziest shit or he would push me to the point…like he would say things to me that would make me wanna push him [does pushing motion]. I became violent. I became HIM. I literally became who he was. In the last year of our relationship, we broke up quite a bit, on and off. Through one of the times we broke up, I ended up being intimate with a guy who I had known for years and had been really good friends with for years. I had a little innocent crush on, but I wouldn’t ever cheat on my boyfriend at the time. When I was with this other guy, he was the polar opposite. And I had NO idea that you could be with somebody that had this much passion about the things that they do. Or that somebody that was so amazing and great and talented and wonderful could actually like me and think that I was all these things because literally for 8 years, 9 years, I heard almost every single month about how awful I was. How disgusting I was. The fighting, the screaming matches at each other, the fact that he had a son who is now I believe seventeen.
“He threw a huge glass of water in my face and literally jumped on me and thoroughly attacked me like in this weird, very dominating way of pinning me down, being between my legs. It was almost sexual for him.”
This was the last straw really for me. On his 40th birthday, he came to a place I was house sitting for. He had a bad problem with snoring and he also had a bad back so he was in pain a lot, which I also used as an excuse: “Oh he’s hurting, he’s in pain all the time, so it’s ok.” When he screams at me and tells me “fuck you, you fucking been working on this and this and that and you haven’t accomplished what you wanna accomplish.” Just anything he could say to tear me down. On top of EVERYTHING he’s a fucking snorer [laughs] so I wouldn’t even get any sleep! So it was like he took everything from me when I was around him. So, he came to the place I was house sitting for and I asked him…I had not slept, I was incredibly tired and I asked him to just sleep in the other room for the night and he did. He comes in around 8am and starts screaming in my face about how his back hurts so bad and I’m so fucking selfish and this is my 40th. Yeah maybe it was his 40th and maybe I was wrong I guess for doing that, but you know what? I was so sick of everything. I was so checked out at that point, I could give a shit less. And I was just like whatever. And he took a glass of water…because I wasn’t responding to his yelling. I wasn’t screaming back. I made a vow that I wasn’t going to scream back anymore. I wasn’t gonna fight back anymore. I was gonna allow him to see his own actions by me doing nothing, because if I do something, then he justified it in his head as me being just as bad. So now, if I do nothing, he can see himself. He threw a huge glass of water in my face and literally jumped on me and thoroughly attacked me like in this weird, very dominating way of pinning me down, being between my legs. It was almost sexual for him. Not in an intimate way…not like couples having passionate moments through anger or something like that, it was completely like a dominant, “Fuck you, I run this.“ I was just like, “ GET THE FUCK OUT!” And he left and he tried to apologize and come back. I told nobody about that because even after that I wasn’t sure if I was gonna deal with him or not.
I saw him a couple times here and there, but it was only for the fact that he literally had a cat of mine that I would keep over there and I couldn’t have her…she couldn’t go anywhere else. So I would like suck-up to him even after we broke up to keep her there. I just wanted to keep the peace. I wanted to keep the peace. I ended up going and leaving later and going out of town and staying with the man who is my boyfriend now, who I’ve known for a few years who I hooked up prior to. We started dating and I knew it was going to be a huge problem for my ex. I tried to keep it from him. It didn’t work obviously. He found out because he was stalking me. I shit you not, he would text me every day with, “You fucking whore, I’m gonna expose you.” His whole thing was that I’m 30 years old and I haven’t written a hit song yet. He had no idea what was going on with my life, who I work with, how I make my money, anything. All he knew in his mind is I haven’t written a hit song, and I’ve been doing this for ten years. Well, yeah that’s called art. That’s what you do. And I’m doing ok on my own without writing a hit song and being in the industry, so it didn’t affect me. It was what it was. So things would go on like that. Thank God he kept the cat during that time, but he would say, “Come pick her up. Fuck this.”
In January, he asked me to take him to the doctor so he could get an epidural in his back. Apparently he had no friends anymore to ask. I don’t know if it was a tactic to see me. I have no idea. Anyway, his appointment takes 4 hours longer than expected. He gets back in the car and I’m a bit annoyed, you know? I’m waiting there for 4 hours for someone who just called me a messy whore two days ago, but I’m trying to keep the peace because of a fucking cat. I’m like ok let’s just do this. He gets in the car and he’s like, “You know, before I went under anesthesia, I could’ve died and you didn’t say anything to me. FUCK YOU!” And goes on this tangent.
“He asked me, ‘How stupid can you be?’ to be with him! That’s when I lost it. And I turned around and I just hauled off and smacked the daylights out of him.”
The whole 9 years of his mouth and the things he would say to me came out all at once. It was like a fucking whammy of just [snaps quickly] back-to-back whatever it was. “My father left and went to the UK because he doesn’t love me and that’s why he started a new family.” So that’s great. That’s a great one. Then there was, “You’re skinny. You’re disgusting. The only person that is gonna want you is some stupid fucking nerd.” He’s trying to bad-mouth my boyfriend who is ten million times the man that he will ever be. PERSON. Forget man. And he knows it. Then it was, “Your boyfriend now is too good for you. You’re a fucking loser and soon he’s gonna see you’re a fucking loser. With your fucking boring music. Your music sucks.” I mean just anything and everything he could say in the book. At first I’m laughing, because I’m driving, thinking, “I just need to get this motherfucker out of my car.” Trying to keep this cat at his place. I don’t have anywhere for her to go. “Just keep the peace, he’s drugged up, let him say his peace.” And then I said, “You’re the one who’s been with me all these years. You think I’m disgusting? I don’t think you’re disgusting looking. Otherwise I wouldn’t have been with you for 9 years.” He was like, “I liked your brain, but your brain is fucked up.” I said, “I was a child when you met me. You preyed on me.” And he was like, “Yup, yup. And cheated on you a bunch of times too. Preyed on you and cheated on you and you came back. How STUPID can you be?” He asked me, “How stupid can you be?” to be with him! That’s when I lost it. And I turned around and I just hauled off and smacked the daylights out of him. I had nails, usually I keep them sharper—right now they’re dull. But I smacked him all across the face. If there was a slap that was perfect, it was perfect slap to the face. I feel terrible about putting my hands on someone. I was like not only can this person not be my boyfriend, but this person cannot be in my life and I am going to take that cat tonight. I don’t give a shit if she has to stay in my room. I don’t care what we gotta do with her, but it is done. I put my hands on him for the last time.
“The man literally threw shit at me.”
Mind you he’s put his hands on me a million times, for so many little things. Whether it’s a shake or a slap. Whatever. It’s usually grabbing and shaking. That was his big thing. But I was like we’re not even together. Why am I even arguing with you? Were not even together! I have a new man on top of everything. This is how toxic you are! You know? We get to his house, drop him off and he was like, “You get Ming [the cat] out now!” That’s the big thing. And he threatens to throw my mother’s books out. That’s the big one. I remember once I was there and he threw them in boxes…some are from 1912. The point is he puts Ming in a cage and almost drops her, but not too much because he still cares about her. I put her in the car. I need her litter box so I go back and he knows I need the litter box. He takes the entire litter box that’s full of two cats’ shit, and dumps it right there in front of me where it has the little cat box guard. And then he slams the door. So I’m like oh, you’re gonna leave the cat shit in there? So I just pull the bag out and put it right there and told him he could put it in the garbage himself. You’re already putting me through hell. I pick up the empty cat box and I ‘m walking to the car. He steps out his house, takes the bag of cat shit, basically runs behind me and dumps the entire bag of dirty cat shit on top of me. The man literally threw shit at me. Shit at me. Poop at me. He threw poop at me. That’s insane. You have lost it if you have told this person how much you don’t like them. How horrible they are, how disgusting they are, all these things after being with them for 9 years and telling them these things on and off for 9 years and cheating.
That was obviously my last interaction with him. He harassed me after that. My boyfriend was there with me when he called me a few times and just screamed at me different things…the typical stuff and was screaming, “Put him on the phone!” I was screaming and it was the first time my boyfriend had ever seen me angry like that. My boyfriend told my best friend, “I don’t ever wanna hear her like that.” And my best friend said the same thing to him. Because se was like, “I would hear her on the phone with the person that was supposed to be her man and literally hear this voice coming out of her that was not her and I don’t ever wanna hear her like that again.”
I spent SO long with that person and I didn’t want anyone to know about any of it. And everybody knew he was awful. Even my dad who had been in and out of my life, he was like, “This guy is boring.” Nobody got it. But you settle for what you think you deserve. You know? I realized not having my dad around…”Well, if I’m not good enough for him, then I’m not gonna be good enough for any man. I couldn’t make my dad stay. So, if this guy’s gonna stay, fuck it, I’ll stay with him. We have good sex.” And when the sex stops because this dude’s back is fucked up and he doesn’t wanna get surgery or whatever, then what else is there? Nothing. And when he was begging and pleading to come back like, “We have things in common…we both like music and cats.” He was naming the broadest things. Like yeah, me and 20 million other people dude. UGH. It’s pathetic. I just think about it now and [deep sigh]. I don’t regret it because if I regret it I’m gonna fucking be depressed and I’m gonna live in the past. And think about how I let myself get verbally, emotionally and physically abused on occasions.
“To hear from somebody who supposedly loves me these insane things about myself…about me just not being good enough for anything and how he’s accepted me. And I really, really believed it. For 9 years. And that is abuse.”
It definitely got physical many times, but it was the things that he said to me. That shit hurt more than any physical thing that happened between us. To hear from somebody who supposedly loves me these insane things about myself, about my family abandoning me, about my appearance, about my sexuality, about the love of my life, which is music. About me just not being good enough for anything and how he’s accepted me. And I really, really believed it. For 9 years. And that is abuse.
“I had NO idea how awesome I was. I swear to God. For 10 years. NONE. [Tears] And now I get it.”
This past year has been like...I have not been myself. I have been detoxing the disgusting poisonous, awful energy that I spent 9 years going through. And God bless my best friend and God bless my boyfriend because they have been with me and they realized that. My best friend said it: “She’s purging right now.” And thank God I have a support system like that because I tried to push my boyfriend away. I was like, “I’m not good enough for you [mock crying].” Even to my best friend, “I don’t deserve to be your friend. I’m nothing.” Like, I thought that! That’s insanity! [Wrings hands in frustration] That’s insane! Now that I’m coming out of it, I’m like, “I’m actually a very dynamic woman. I AM beautiful. I love my body. I accept everything and the things I don’t accept about myself, I’m trying to change and that’s ok because that’s growing up.” I had NO idea how awesome I was. I swear to God. For 10 years. NONE. [Tears] And now I get it. And it is true that the more amazing that you understand that you are and try and strive to be, the more amazing people you’ll attract around you, as well as the people who have known you since the beginning of time and know you are an amazing person and sticking by you. At least being able to remind you once in a while, so you don’t do something crazy and stupid like marry him. I mean the best thing in the world was that my best friend knew and she did not lie, she practically hated him. Probably hates him. But she knew I wasn’t gonna listen to her. She tried to tell me. I didn’t wanna listen because I didn’t wanna do better for myself because I didn’t think I deserved better. I didn’t think I was supposed to have that. And now I know I do. That’s why I’m like alright, I’m gonna talk about it and act like it. And so much has changed and gotten better because of it, but it’s been really hard to get there.
What no longer lingers in your heart and mind about your experience?
“Getting rid of that guilt has been absolutely incredible because now I’m really proud of myself most importantly.”
What no longer lingers in my heart…guilt. God! There’s no more guilt! There’s no more guilt for feeling guilty that I know that my friends don’t like this person. Not even my own father likes this person and we have this horrible toxic relationship that I’m totally holding on to because I don’t know any better or don’t think I deserve better. Getting rid of that guilt has been absolutely incredible because now I’m really proud of myself most importantly. I’m proud of the person I’m with. I have never felt proud…I mean I’ve had other boyfriends in the past, but in those 10 years I was never really proud because I knew that we were totally fucked up, you know? I felt like if I exposed us to people, then they would state the obvious and I had to face it. So the more I didn’t have to have “us” around people, then the more I didn’t have to come to the realization that we probably should not be together and be with this person who was really mean. Just mean. There’s no other way of saying it. He was a mean guy.
What has opened up for you as a result?
“So much more confidence oh my God! I feel like a woman.”
So much more confidence oh my God! I feel like a woman. I don’t know if that’s a part of turning 30, but I have never felt more beautiful. I have never felt more confident about myself and what I want. I no longer believe that my art form could possibly suck. I have worked with, even in the past year, some absolutely amazing people who would not work with me if I was not amazing at what I do, which is write. I don’t believe his bullshit, so it’s just given me the confidence to do all the things that I wanna do and also being able to be open to love that is super healthy. Like no couple is perfect, obviously. My boyfriend and I will bicker and shit like that, who doesn’t? But it’s a normal, healthy relationship. I’ve never had that. It is totally just like what it should be. And I would’ve never been able to experience that. That would have never opened up for me if I hadn’t said, “Bye bye. No more.”
What is your definition of love and how does that love feel?
“…being yourself and having that person absolutely adore you for it, and you adore them for being at their total rawest. And that’s including ups and downs. That’s including them at their worst.”
[Smiles] My definition of loooove is a couple of things, but one is totally being yourself in front of that person and having that person totally be themselves too. And when you are together and you’re completely being yourselves, you are incredibly happy. And you’re making that person happy by just being you and they’re making you happy by just being them. And laughter and that giggly feeling you get where everything that they do and say and touch is electric. That is the best way I can describe the feeling of it.
And just being completely open and yourself, and weird, creepy and saying weird and creepy shit [laughs] like you just have that. You’re just you and they love you for it. And you can tell them anything and they love you for it. They can also tell you anything. Communication, not to be cliché. Overall, 110% being yourself and having that person absolutely adore you for it, and you adore them for being at their total rawest. And that’s including ups and downs. That’s including them at their worst. You’re still like, ugh, I love the fuck out of you. You may be crying, you may be bitching right now, whatever…going through it, but you’re the best. To me, that’s love. Getting raw and still can’t be without that person.
What does leaving a Trail of Existence mean to you?
“A Trail of Existence is taking your life into your own hands and being in the now.”
A Trail of Existence is taking your life into your own hands and being in the now an existing now and being able to go on journeys and meet new people and fall in love and have all these great life experiences by simply just existing in the moment and allowing yourself to do what you know is right. Through that kind of mindset, you start to leave a path and to me, that path would be filled with great stories and great people. That would be a Trail of Existence.
Do you have any parting thoughts?
“…if you truly, truly find yourself in a position where you are so angry that you are willing to take somebody’s weakest moment and turn it against them, please walk away.“
Words hurt. When you say things out of anger, I don’t care how bad it gets. We all say crazy shit. But when you truly, truly allow yourself to get so angry (and this is to men or to women), if you find yourself to be the one doing the attacking, if you truly, truly find yourself in a position where you are so angry that you are willing to take somebody’s weakest moment and turn it against them, please walk away. Do that person a favor and walk away, because the person on the other side of it isn’t going to walk away from you. They’ve stuck with you that long with you cutting them down at their worst. They’re not gonna leave you. Or not for a very long time, so walk away. It will make you feel better. It will help you. I would also like to say to anybody who has experienced this kind of abuse…it IS abuse. Verbal and emotional abuse IS abuse. If somebody is telling you, you are nothing, that’s abuse. If somebody is telling you that you are ugly, that is abuse. THAT IS NOT NORMAL. It is NOT normal to not tell the person that you’re with that they’re beautiful. It is not normal to NOT hear that you’re loved. IT’S NOT NORMAL to be talked to like you’re a piece of garbage. Just because you think it’s words, it is abuse. Make no mistake about that.
I was abused for years. And because of it, it messed up a lot of things in my life. So, don’t let yourself fool yourself into thinking that because he’s not touching you that it won’t lead to abuse or that what you’re going through and the way that you are treating yourself now because of the things that he says to you isn’t violence, because it is. You will DESTROY yourself if you allow it to carry on. And I would’ve destroyed myself had I allowed anything that I was going through to carry on for more than what I did. I did all I could handle. It will get better. It will. Once you understand what you’re worth, you will find love again. You’ll find your self-love again. It gets better. It truly, truly does. The more you understand that they’re just doing it to keep you around. It has nothing to do with you. You’re good. It’s them. Chances are if they are saying these things to you, it’s probably because you’re pretty wonderful and they don’t want anybody else to know it or they don’t want you to know it because then you’ll leave them. So just understand that you’re special and that’s why this is happening. The sooner you get away from it, the sooner you’ll meet somebody just as special as you or you’ll be very, very happy with being ALONE, which is just fine! Being alone is GREAT. It is ok to be alone. Enjoy that, Enjoy your peace. You deserve peace. All of us do. Especially when you’re in love. Your boyfriend shouldn’t be your enemy.